The 90’s were a beautiful time to come of age in, pop culturally speaking (I don’t really speak any other languages). There were sensible heart throbs blossoming all over the place from Heath Ledger’s ideal bad boy in 10 Things I Hate About You to Paul Rudd beginning what would be a fabulous career of playing perfect boyfriends in Clueless. But teen flicks weren’t the only places to find boyfriends in the ’90s. Oh no. Boyfriends be popping up left and right in all your favorite blockbusters too. Here are a few of mine:
Rick O’Connell (The Mummy)
The Mummy franchise was the beginning and the end of my crush on Brenden Fraser. There’s something about O’Connell that is so gruff and unpolished but at the same time sensitive and stock-full of hilarious one-liners about the living dead. In other words, perfect take-home-to-Christmas boyfriend material.
Agent J (Men in Black)
Speaking of the perfect balance of bad-assness and one-liners, here is the King of both of those things, or should I say (fresh) prince. Har. I’m having a hard time expressing my amount of love for Will Smith in this movie. Like, the love is that intense. HE IS JUST SO FUCKING COOL. He even makes dancing with aliens in a pop-hip-hop-movie-themed music video look suave. ONLY WILL SMITH HAS POWERS LIKE THAT.
Jack Dawson (Titanic)
Well duh. This role is the reason I decided at the age of 11 that Leonardo DiCaprio was the love of my life. Jack was romantic, adventurous and passionate. Not to mention beautiful and non-threatening. Also, he likes girls who weigh more than him, so that’s something I can totally appreciate (no offense Kate- YOU ARE A PERFECT FLAWLESS CREATURE AND I LOVE YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS LEO XOXOXXOXOXOOX <3<3).
Daniel Day Lewis (Last of the Mohicans)
Look, I’ll be honest, I don’t even remember his character’s name. Square Jaw Like Bull? Doesn’t matter. All that matters is dat jaw. And STAY ALIVE. HE WILL FIND YOU.
Ewan McGregor (Star Wars Episode I)
There weren’t a lot of good things about The Phantom Menace. With the lack of Han Solo who am I supposed to crush on? Liam Neeson’s weave? Jar Jar Binks’s tongue? Really I was just looking for a place in this list for Ewan McGregor so here it is.
Korben Dallas (The Fifth Element)
So I guess there’s just something about a mouthy charismatic sci-fi/adventure hero that just gets to me. Plus there’s the Bruce Willis smolder to consider, and it never looked better than it did in that orange tank.
Full disclosure; my 90’s were pretty lame. I wasn’t cognizant until about 1994, and the second I figured out what fantasy and Neopets were, so I was super great. I also had really weird taste in movies and music. My boyfriends reflect that.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas (Home Improvement)
JTT has been featured on this blog before, and with good reason. Any child of the 90’s worth their Tamagotchi loved Home Improvement, if only for JTT. He had great hair (and highlights) with that weird cowlick swoop in front, and was probably the cutest kid I had ever seen at that point. My childhood best friend even practiced kissing on a poster of him. I don’t know why she did this in front of me. But it’s no wonder we all had a conniption upon his return to primetime, with Tim Allen no less.
Emile Hirsch (The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys)
YM Magazine, specifically, made me love Emile Hirsch. He was featured in their “Aww Yeah” spread, where celebrities answered a few questions about themselves next to a few steamy photos. He was my first indie-movie love. I managed to find a transcript of the “Aww Yeah” in question;
YM- Aww Yeah!
Name: Emile Hirsch
Where You’ve Seen Him: As a confused Catholic schoolboy in The Dangerous Minds (sic) of Altar Boys. Next month he’ll play a badass prep-school student in The Emperor’s Club.
Why We Picked Him: Isn’t it obvious? Just look at his intense eyes. On a nonsuperficial level, we thought his performance in Altar Boys was practically Oscar-worthy.
Comic Genius: Like his Altar Boys character, Emile, 17, is into drawing cartoons. One of his inspirations: The Far Side by Gary Larson. “I have a weird sense of humor,” he admits. This public school senior also writes screenplays, Saturday Night Live-type sketches, and rap/poetry.
The Most Interesting Thing About Him: “The fact that I won’t tell you the most interesting thing about me — you’ll just have to wonder.” Ooh, how mysterious.
—Melissa Robyn Glassman
He’s also the first celebrity I ever looked at and thought “Wow, he has really nice teeth.” Thus, a teeth fixation was born.
Heath Ledger (A Knight’s Tale)
Specifically, in A Knight’s Tale, Heather Ledger was it for me. I loved that he was a romantic goof, but filled with intensity and drive (swoon). Plus, he had that fantastic mid-90’s hair flop that was pre-pubescent catnip. And dimples for days. I wanted to swim in them. This is the Heath Ledger I like to remember.
My 90’s boyfriends are just permutations of the same idea; floppy hair, light eyes, nice teeth. Get at me, bois. Rawr.
A few months ago, a friend emailed me a music video that had gone viral on her side of the planet (she lives in South Korea), saying I would love it. If you’ve breathed since September, you know where this is going.
The American Music Awards aired last week, ending with a performance of “Gangnam Style” by Korean artist Psy AND, and, MC Hammer. This is, without a doubt, the apex of this song, and probably Psy’s career here. But even now that his video has surpassed Justin Bieber’s “Baby” as the most watched video on YouTube, I’m still not tired of Psy, or “Gangnam Style.” Why? Why NOT (or the reasons below).
2. His Reddit AMA (“Ask Me Anything”)
Reddit regularly has a feature where celebrities or people of interest answer Reddit user’s questions. Psy’s was the best, specifically for the answer below:
Redditor FahCough: “why were you so mad at that girl’s ass?”
Psy: “because her ass was so mad”
Read it. Go. The link is the title of this section. If you don’t like him more after reading that, get off the Internet immediately.
My girl Kate is definitely on to something about Psy being the most gif-able celeb ever. But what I enjoy even more than his endless fountain of gif-givingness is the way Gangnam style brings us together. And by bringing us together of course I mean making us all look equally foolish whenever this song comes on in a bar or the shoe department at JC Penney and everyone immediately feels the need to prove that not only do they know the dance, but they are better at it than you.
It also makes me happy that other celebrities are also more than happy to make themselves look foolish too. They’re just like us guys!
Kate: Dancing With The Stars is one of the most entertaining shows on right now. All facets of celebrity- musicians, athletes, actors, reality stars- wear hideous outfits, talk about their personal experiences and try to win a disco ball glued to a Pringles can. I have only cared about a handful of these stars, though. ABC’s demographic is a middle-aged woman, so the show features celebrities she’ll be most likely to recognize, not me. My ideal cast would be very different, and probably very stupid, but I’ll be damned if more people my age wouldn’t tune in to see these weirdos. My perfect cast is made up of members that exist to elicit a reaction- be it joy, cringing or “SHIT I HAVE TO SEE THAT.”
Jonathan Taylor Thomas
This one is a no-brainer. The most basic DWTS rule is to find someone people used to love and throw them into the dancing fray, and who had more lipstick-stained posters in the mid-nineties than JTT? Ratings would skyrocket. Panties would be thrown from the judges table. And JTT would be humble over his consistently high scores, smile sheepishly and we would fall in love all over again. He also hasn’t worked since 2006, so give him a shot at the Mirrorball Trophy before Lifetime gets their hooks into him.
If anyone was created to be on DWTS, it was Courtney Stodden. Or any show, for that matter. She is the perfect reality television star; a hyper-sexual and overly aware teenager/performance artist with a bizarre backstory and a much older husband. Courtney Stodden is the kind of person people want to see fail, because her entire image is equal parts media oversaturation and morbid curiosity. Bonus- she’ll try to dance in the 5-inch lucite heels that she “can do everything in,” fall in rehearsal, get whisked away in an ambulance, but still perform that night because she’s a fighter dammit.
There’s always an athlete that competes, and Jay Cutler, quarterback of the Chicago Bears, is one of the most stoic athletes to ever played football. He’s perfect for DWTS because it’s not where Cutler should be, or wants to be. DWTS will bust Cutler out of his shell as he wows judges with his chest and light footwork (cut to Bruno flopping over the Judges’ Table and making grabby hands/rubbing himself). He can talk about how he’s “out of his comfort zone” but cry a little when he gets a 30, and dedicates that performance to his son. He and Kristen Cavallari can bond over their pasos at home, only strengthening their eternal bond.
There’s always one weird-ass musician that tries to dance to their own songs. Always. You know Chad, of Nickelback infamy, would come in, think he’s the inventor of dance, and bust out a contemporary routine (“it was a real challenge for both of us, it really pushed us but we got through it”) to one of his own damn songs. Probably “Hero.” He’ll win the hearts of ladiez if he dedicates his dance to Avril, or does a jive to “Girlfriend.” I call top two, so he can talk about what a blessing the show has been and how he has grown not only as a dancer…but as a person.
Guy Fieri is a pompous ass with an empire, a line at Target and a backstory. He’s a douche that was catapulted into Food Network “celebrity” chef territory because he outcooked some other slack-jawed weirdos, and now makes shit called “gringo sushi.” In short, he’s famous and awful all rolled into one. Enough people like him for him to be as popular as he is, but enough people hate him to tune in and see what happens. He wouldn’t mind staggering around for 3 minutes and throwing the horns after every dance because he’s rawk and shit. There would be some campy dance with sunglasses with his partner in a Guy wig, and the judges will hate it. He’ll be eliminated as a result get a little misty, but talk about how he’s going to persevere for his son Hunter.
Gina: I haven’t watched DWTS since my Grandma died in 2008 (womp womp, sorry to interrupt such a light hearted piece with a reminder that we are all going to die) so I must admit, I am less than familiar with the show. That said, I can get behind just about “celebrity” anything (from The Apprentice to Surreal Life [SOMEONE PLEASE BRING THIS BACK]) depending on the cast. So here’s my list of celebs, following Kate’s staunch criteria, who if they were included would leave me with no choice but to watch the show. (As it should be. -K)
Be still my beating heart. For it has not stopped beating with love for Uncle Jesse and his Greek yogurt ads. Someone who has been so hot for as long as I’ve been alive surely deserves a spot on anyone’s “celebrity” whatever show. Not to mention, his hip-swinging Elvis moves as the frontman for Jesse and the Rippers surely shows that the boy’s got some experience… er… on the dance floor of course.
Have you seen this Real Housewives of Atlanta star’s legs? I mean have you seen them? Who wouldn’t want to check out them stems doing the can-can in some sequined skin tight spandex? Of course there is always the off chance that NeNe would turn down the opportunity, considering she is a “very rich bitch.”
Look at me putting a check next to the “old person” and the “athlete” categories with one pick. This 74 year-old former NFL player and announcer already seems like that crazy great-uncle you have who grinds up on the young people dancing at weddings and shit. He may not last long in the competition, but surely he will get through a couple of weeks with “aww look at the old guy dance” pity votes before things get sad.
Billie Joe Armstrong
Nothing says a rehab to your image after making a drunken rant at Justin Bieber quite like appearing on a family-friendly reality show. And lord knows this Green Day front man needs an image overhaul. And jumping up and down in your Converse high tops definitely counts as dancing experience, right?
Tyra Motherfucking Banks
Supermodel, movie star, author, TV show host and producer, Harvard grad and reality TV queen of secondhand embarrassment for her race and sex: is there anything that Tyra Banks hasn’t done? Well until now she hasn’t made a fool of herself as a contestant on an elimination based
televised competition. And it’s about time that changed.
ABC, get at us. Let’s make this dream a reality.
Gina: Hi and welcome to our blog! This is a place where Kate and I are going to talk about all the stuff we like. Mostly the entries will hit hot topics such as our favorite reality TV shows and which coked up starlet we most wish we were like, but we’ll try and aim for other topics like why women aren’t allowed to play in the NBA and our favorite Nutella recipes too.
Kate: Hello best friends ever! The best part about having mutual interests- food, music, movies, television, Ron Swanson- is talking about it with other people, and that’s where this blog stems from. We provide content that is back-and-forth; both our voices bantering on the same topic in the same post. One opinion is lovely, but two is just plain fun. And it’s an excuse to share my own favorite Nutella recipe.
Gina: But basically anything goes here. Kate and I are acquaintances and not only do we hope you get to know us better through pop culture, but we hope to get to know each other better as well!
Kate: Truth! Gina and I first realized we were spirit animals over our mutual love of Kim Zolciak and RuPaul’s Drag Race. It’s only going to get more awesome from here.
Gina: Throughout this blog you’ll hear both of our voices. We’re going to keep both our eyes on all topics and indulge in honest and of course pseudo-intellectual conversations about why Real Housewives of Atlanta is the best of the franchise.
Kate: Spoiler alert- it’s because of Kim. Everything, really, is because of Kim. It’s another thing that made Gina and I friends. I mean, look at this face and tell me it doesn’t inspire friendship.