Kate: Dancing With The Stars is one of the most entertaining shows on right now. All facets of celebrity- musicians, athletes, actors, reality stars- wear hideous outfits, talk about their personal experiences and try to win a disco ball glued to a Pringles can. I have only cared about a handful of these stars, though. ABC’s demographic is a middle-aged woman, so the show features celebrities she’ll be most likely to recognize, not me. My ideal cast would be very different, and probably very stupid, but I’ll be damned if more people my age wouldn’t tune in to see these weirdos. My perfect cast is made up of members that exist to elicit a reaction- be it joy, cringing or “SHIT I HAVE TO SEE THAT.”
Jonathan Taylor Thomas
This one is a no-brainer. The most basic DWTS rule is to find someone people used to love and throw them into the dancing fray, and who had more lipstick-stained posters in the mid-nineties than JTT? Ratings would skyrocket. Panties would be thrown from the judges table. And JTT would be humble over his consistently high scores, smile sheepishly and we would fall in love all over again. He also hasn’t worked since 2006, so give him a shot at the Mirrorball Trophy before Lifetime gets their hooks into him.
If anyone was created to be on DWTS, it was Courtney Stodden. Or any show, for that matter. She is the perfect reality television star; a hyper-sexual and overly aware teenager/performance artist with a bizarre backstory and a much older husband. Courtney Stodden is the kind of person people want to see fail, because her entire image is equal parts media oversaturation and morbid curiosity. Bonus- she’ll try to dance in the 5-inch lucite heels that she “can do everything in,” fall in rehearsal, get whisked away in an ambulance, but still perform that night because she’s a fighter dammit.
There’s always an athlete that competes, and Jay Cutler, quarterback of the Chicago Bears, is one of the most stoic athletes to ever played football. He’s perfect for DWTS because it’s not where Cutler should be, or wants to be. DWTS will bust Cutler out of his shell as he wows judges with his chest and light footwork (cut to Bruno flopping over the Judges’ Table and making grabby hands/rubbing himself). He can talk about how he’s “out of his comfort zone” but cry a little when he gets a 30, and dedicates that performance to his son. He and Kristen Cavallari can bond over their pasos at home, only strengthening their eternal bond.
There’s always one weird-ass musician that tries to dance to their own songs. Always. You know Chad, of Nickelback infamy, would come in, think he’s the inventor of dance, and bust out a contemporary routine (“it was a real challenge for both of us, it really pushed us but we got through it”) to one of his own damn songs. Probably “Hero.” He’ll win the hearts of ladiez if he dedicates his dance to Avril, or does a jive to “Girlfriend.” I call top two, so he can talk about what a blessing the show has been and how he has grown not only as a dancer…but as a person.
Guy Fieri is a pompous ass with an empire, a line at Target and a backstory. He’s a douche that was catapulted into Food Network “celebrity” chef territory because he outcooked some other slack-jawed weirdos, and now makes shit called “gringo sushi.” In short, he’s famous and awful all rolled into one. Enough people like him for him to be as popular as he is, but enough people hate him to tune in and see what happens. He wouldn’t mind staggering around for 3 minutes and throwing the horns after every dance because he’s rawk and shit. There would be some campy dance with sunglasses with his partner in a Guy wig, and the judges will hate it. He’ll be eliminated as a result get a little misty, but talk about how he’s going to persevere for his son Hunter.
Gina: I haven’t watched DWTS since my Grandma died in 2008 (womp womp, sorry to interrupt such a light hearted piece with a reminder that we are all going to die) so I must admit, I am less than familiar with the show. That said, I can get behind just about “celebrity” anything (from The Apprentice to Surreal Life [SOMEONE PLEASE BRING THIS BACK]) depending on the cast. So here’s my list of celebs, following Kate’s staunch criteria, who if they were included would leave me with no choice but to watch the show. (As it should be. -K)
Be still my beating heart. For it has not stopped beating with love for Uncle Jesse and his Greek yogurt ads. Someone who has been so hot for as long as I’ve been alive surely deserves a spot on anyone’s “celebrity” whatever show. Not to mention, his hip-swinging Elvis moves as the frontman for Jesse and the Rippers surely shows that the boy’s got some experience… er… on the dance floor of course.
Have you seen this Real Housewives of Atlanta star’s legs? I mean have you seen them? Who wouldn’t want to check out them stems doing the can-can in some sequined skin tight spandex? Of course there is always the off chance that NeNe would turn down the opportunity, considering she is a “very rich bitch.”
Look at me putting a check next to the “old person” and the “athlete” categories with one pick. This 74 year-old former NFL player and announcer already seems like that crazy great-uncle you have who grinds up on the young people dancing at weddings and shit. He may not last long in the competition, but surely he will get through a couple of weeks with “aww look at the old guy dance” pity votes before things get sad.
Billie Joe Armstrong
Nothing says a rehab to your image after making a drunken rant at Justin Bieber quite like appearing on a family-friendly reality show. And lord knows this Green Day front man needs an image overhaul. And jumping up and down in your Converse high tops definitely counts as dancing experience, right?
Tyra Motherfucking Banks
Supermodel, movie star, author, TV show host and producer, Harvard grad and reality TV queen of secondhand embarrassment for her race and sex: is there anything that Tyra Banks hasn’t done? Well until now she hasn’t made a fool of herself as a contestant on an elimination based
televised competition. And it’s about time that changed.
ABC, get at us. Let’s make this dream a reality.